in a place with a bunch of strangers..

I'm sipping my oreo coffee blend in this little coffee shop near my grandma's house. This little place that always caught my glance every time I pass it on my way home. Now, I finally made it to be here, enjoying my precious evening coffee-time while working on my college assignment. This place is so homy with dull lighting and old-style decorations. Big sofas near the door and in the back corner, other are wooden chairs with round tables. I choose to sit in one of the wooden table in the middle of the room, where I can clearly see other customers in this coffee shop.

I'm in the place with a bunch of strangers. Two ladies sit across, having conversation enjoying their cigarettes more than the cups of coffee on their table. I can't hear their conversation. They just talk and talk until the cigarette box is empty. A couple sit next to my table, looks so problematic. They had a serious conversation and holding hand sometimes. The lady had a couple of cigs while the man deliver his convincing speech, try to calming down the lady in her (maybe) confusion or doubt. A group of gentlemen have their rough discussion, cigars in between their fingers, smoke on their head. Another problem, another life sharing. I can't understand what kind of problem they're having. Life's is a problem. And every living creature had their own problem, right? This is what I like to be in a new place and be a total stranger. We share the same air, the same atmosphere, but we just cannot share the same thought. Just like they cannot understand mine.

I hate this smoky air. The combination of suffocating air, my sniffling and running nose, this assignment are making me dizzy. I hate this indoor-smokeable-place. I don't hate smokers, I just had the condition I cannot breath fresh air while I'm around them. Maybe just as these people hate their life problems. But I just have no right to complain. Yet, I started to enjoy this, watching around these strangers.

I'm breathing in this suffocating smoky air, try to catch some oxygen from it. Forgetting my assignment, forgetting my smoke problem. Not all people capable to understand other, but trying to have empathy on others is all I can do. There is no way I can deny or confront with this condition, somehow we just have to enjoy problems, and maybe others' as well. And as the smoke spread over this room's air, these stranger may hope that their life problems also go away with. Me? I hope breathing the smoke they produce could make me understand life better. I'm not the only one that have problem, I'm not the only one that live and breath. And by this I hope, I can increase my empathy toward others and be wiser. I don't expect empathy from others, not all people have a good empathy, I just hope I could have one.

tentang pertambahan umur.

Isn't it scary, to know that you're going to move on into your next stage of life? Knowing that you'll have more responsibilities to carry on? If you look back to a year earlier, to what you've promised yourself to be in the next one year. Have you achieved it yet? All those hopes from people was those just ended up as unrealized hopes? And in this brand new year of life, you're going to do the same rituals. Greetings. Wishes. Celebration. Adding one to your age in whatsoever form or biography you'll write until 365 days later. Then what?

Ulang tahun. Mungkin sama seperti esensi makna di setiap kata yang menyusunnya.

Ulang. Tahun.

Repetitif? Ritualis?

Entahlah.

Tapi kalau ini tentang pengulangan, berarti ini mengulang kembali satu tahun di hidup anda? Aneh. Lalu buat apa penambahan nominal angka, atau harapan akan suatu yang lebih, entah lebih apa. Kalau tentang pengulangan, ulang saja cara hidupmu seperti yang sudah-sudah. Terus seperti itu.

Ulang tahun-ucapan selamat-harapan-janji-hidup yang sama-ulang tahun lagi-ucapan selamat lagi-harapan lagi-dan seterusnya.

Hahahaha, terlalu skeptis kah?

Saya bukan pemakna kata yang baik. Bukan juga pemakna momentum waktu yang handal. Cuma sekedar manusia bosan yang malas mengerjakan tugas di detik-detik terakhir sembilan belas tahun-nya.

Tapi bener deh, saya jadi galau gara-gara ketikan saya diatas itu.

Asu banget ya?

Satu tahun yang lalu, saat menjelang 9 Juni, saya sakit. Gagal nyusulin keluarga ke Jakarta. Gagal morotin Bapak (ups) di sana. Ujung-ujungnya cuma ketap-ketip di kamar dengan suhu badan sepanas tempat duduk yang udah didudukin selama berjam-jam (Kurang ekstrim ya? Saya cuma mencoba realistis kok. Lebay banget kan kalo saya samain sama kompor?), menggigil, dan super keliyengan. Penyakit itu emang semacam kurang ajar gak tau waktu, padahal sebelum-sebelumnya bisa dibilang sehat-sehat aja. Atau, dia menunggu waktu yang tepat? Entahlah. But I knew, it was all meant to be. Terus, terus, saya berencana banyak buat setahun ke depan. Kebanyakan malah. Berharap dan berekspektasi. Berasumsi bahwa faktor pendukung akan selalu sama. Nyatanya? Manusia kembali padaNya. Rasa hilang. Janji menguap. Semangat bisa pupus. Motivasi bisa tiba-tiba tersesat. Resolusi bisa jadi sekedar ritual yang tak terealisasi.

Tapi toh, nyatanya kehidupan akan tetap menjalankan agendanya tanpa hirau akan catatan rencanamu. Resolusi itu cuma motivator di awal jalan. Dan saat bertemu persimpangan tak terduga, toh harus sabar juga saat dipaksa berbelok, atau malah berbalik kembali pada jalan yang pernah kau hindar. Jangan bicara mimpi! Hadapi saja realita!

Hus, ngelantur.

Hmmm... Saya yang sekarang, setelah 1 tahun lewat, mungkin sudah jadi orang yang berbeda dan tetap sama sekaligus. Entahlah tahun depan.

Realisasi resolusi? No comment.

Penutupnya,

sebuah doa klasik yang sedikit kejam: wish all the best for me! :)

because the best isn't always what you want, right?

Regards,

20-years-old-me